What You Don't Know
by no reason- no purpose
Summary: What Naruto didn't know was that from all the way back to his childhood, someone had been manipulating his life, from his personality to his powers. Even scarier is the fact that the same person also had complete control over the world around him, including the people he knew. And no one, especially not him, is aware of it. Parody of Strong!Smart!Naruto and NarutoxHarem.


_What You Don't Know_

_Summary: What Naruto didn't know was that from all the way back to his childhood, someone had been manipulating his life, from his personality to his powers. Even scarier is the fact that the same person also had complete control over the world around him, including the people he knew. And no one, especially not him, is aware of it. Strong!Smart!Naruto. NarutoxHarem._

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**Despite the somewhat ominous summary, this story is a parody, and will therefore not be scary. **

**Haven't you noticed some trends amongst Naruto fanfiction? I've decided to take those trends and parody them to death, because while they seemed okay at first, I've become sick of them by now. **

**Disclaimer: I honestly wonder if Masashi Kishimoto would write fanfiction of a series he created. It would be interesting if he did, wouldn't it?**

**Pairings: NarutoxHarem, RandomnessxEntire Fic**

**Warning: Do NOT take this story seriously. Most of it is crack, okay? CRACK. It may or may not even qualify as a Troll Fic.**

* * *

Wandering back home in the dark streets of the night, a 7-year-old Naruto made his first appearance in the story. For some ungodly stupid reason that even normal 7-year-olds would find stupid, he chose to walk down a dark alleyway just because it was a shortcut to his shabby apartment. Apparently, despite being hardly old enough to live on his own, he had to, because the Powerful Council is so powerful that they kicked the poor boy out of the orphanage for no reason. The Third Hokage tried doing something about it, but the evil Powerful Council was so evil that they made him cry. The issue was not brought up again.

But back to Naruto walking down the alleyway. Unbeknownst to him, a whole angry mob of civilian buffoons were hidden in the shadows, waiting to beat up the unsuspecting boy. For some reason, Naruto didn't notice at all, despite the fact that there were at least 10 civilian buffoons, and all of them weren't trained in stealth at all.

Naruto suddenly found his path blocked by some fat, ugly man with a unibrow, wielding a vase which still had a flower in it.

'HAH! Where do you think you're going, _demon_?' he sneered, showing his crooked teeth.

Naruto's sense of self-preservation kicked in belatedly, and he turned around to run, only to find the path behind him blocked by more civilian buffoons.

'We'll just beat you up so bad that by the time you get rescued, you'll be on the brink of death!' boasted some fat, ugly woman who randomly had a wart on her knee.

'Yeah! We're just gonna beat you up for no reason other than you being a demon, even though it's a ridiculous thing to do, but we're doing it anyway just for the angst! ' yelled some other person through a megaphone. Honestly, with all the shouting going on, wouldn't the people who lived nearby have noticed something by now?

'It's beating time!' Some guy who looked like a tissue box announced while pointing his shoe in the air.

The civilian buffoon mob roared in agreement and all charged at Naruto.

Some terrible beating later, which won't be described due to the author being lazy and making the readers fill in the gaps using their imagination, someone finally arrived to stop the brutal child abuse.

'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!' It was… Whatshisface, some ANBU wearing a snake mask!

'YOU WILL STOP HITTING THE BOY OKAY I AM HERE TO STOP YOU BECAUSE I'M A HERO,' he continued in a very low, threatening voice. 'AND LOOK AT ME I'M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW THAT I CAN'T STOP SPEAKING IN CAPS-LOCK YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. HOKAGE-SEMPAI-SAMA-KUN-SAMA-CHAN WILL BE VERY ASHAMED OF YOU. YOU MUM WILL BE VERY ASHAMED OF YOU. THE NAPPIES YOU WORE WHEN YOU WERE BABIES WILL BE ASHAMED OF YOU.'

The mob was so ashamed of themselves that they scattered like the stupid civilian buffoons they were. Whatshisface knelt down next to Naruto, who was half-dead and lying in a pool of his own blood.

'YOU DON'T LOOK OKAY YOU LOOK LIKE A BLOODY PULP,' Whatshisface said concernedly. 'YOU SHOULD GO TO THE HOSPITAL TO GET HEALED AND HOKAGE-TAN-CHAN-KUN-SAN MUST BE INFORMED OF THIS THANK YOU BYE.'

With that, Whatshisface rushed Naruto to the ER of the hospital while trying his best to avoid injuring the boy any further.

* * *

_The first thing Naruto noticed when he woke up was that he was lying on a small bed. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, then tried to pull himself out of the bed. Only the blanket tangled around his body, causing him to crash down unceremoniously on the white floor._

'_Oomph!'_

_Feeling a bit annoyed at his clumsiness, Naruto kicked off the offending blanket and quickly got back up. Then he stared at his surroundings._

_Everything was completely white. There was absolutely nothing else that was visible in his line of sight. Not even walls or a ceiling._

_Where was he?_

'_You're a bit lost, aren't you?'_

_Naruto started in surprise. The voice seemed to be echoing from all around him, and he couldn't tell where it was coming from._

'_Don't bother. You won't be able to see me anyway.'_

'_Who are you?' he demanded impatiently, trying to ignore the slight nervousness he felt._

'_That's actually a pretty difficult question. Who might I be?' Upon asking that, the voice distorted._

'_You-you're like one of those bad guys from the comic books, aren't you?' Naruto accused. 'Well I'm not scared of you, so there!'_

'_Well that aside,' the voice continued, ignoring him. 'Have you noticed anything different with your life so far?'_

_Naruto blinked in confusion. 'Huh?'_

'_What do you remember before you woke up?'_

'_Uh…' Naruto knitted his brows and scratched his head. 'I… got beaten up by these people? That was just some weird dream, wasn't it? I mean, I lived by myself, and walked down this dark place, and- I dunno! It was so weird!'_

'_A dream? Really? What makes you think that?'_

'_Because I __**don't**__ live by myself. It'd be cool to have my own house and do whatever I want and everything, but Old Man said that I'd only be allowed to when I'm older. That sucked!' Naruto pouted and crossed his arms, looking comically angry._

'_Hm, so that's canon. I see.'_

'_Wait- what? What's a "canon"?'_

'_Something you don't need to know, so I won't bother explaining. But that's beside the point- do you want to know why you're here?'_

'_Because I have something important?' Naruto guessed. That's normally why people were kidnapped in the comics, right?_

'_Something like that. It's because __**you**__ are important.'_

_Naruto couldn't help but feel surprised, and just a bit flattered. 'Me?'_

'_Yes. You, as a character, are vital to what I'm planning to do.'_

_Character? Him? Nothing that the voice just said registered in his mind._

'_Yes, you are a character,' the voice said, noticing his confusion. 'And I know pretty much everything about you- from your favourite food, birthday, who your parents are, why the villagers dislike you to what will be happening in your future. I know who your enemies will be, who your friends will be, which friends will betray you and how strong you will become. There is almost nothing that I don't know about you.'_

_The voice paused, letting the information sink in. Naruto was frozen with shock, his eyes wide and his hands trembling slightly._

'_What… how… you know…' he attempted to speak, but the words got jumbled up with the train wreck of thoughts in his head._

'_It's okay. I don't really find what I know satisfying, so I'm going to change things a bit. What you saw in your so-called "dream" is just the beginning.'_

'_No!' Naruto protested. This wasn't true. This was just a nightmare. 'You can't just-!'_

'_I can and I did and I will. First of all, you are currently too weak for my tastes. I mean, what measure is a non-badass? I think it's because you aren't smart enough. The typical idiot hero character in Shounen manga is getting on my nerves. What else? Ah yes, you also need to be sexy and attractive to the ladies, because real men have harems. And that is all for now I guess; I'll go with that for now, because the younger I start making you strong, the better. But not too young, actually- you're the perfect age right now.'_

_Suddenly Naruto felt a sharp pain in his head which caused him to yell out. He clutched his head as the pain intensified by each passing second, until it felt like his skull was splitting apart._

_The voice remained passively silent as the boy screamed and writhed on the floor. Then, when Naruto finally passed out, colour flooded the white world._

'_Welcome to the world of Fanfiction, Uzumaki Naruto.'_

* * *

**Things I would like to say:**

*** If any of this feels like a personal attack to you, I'm very sorry because IT ISN'T. I'm just making fun of clichés, and trying to do it in the most ridiculous way possible.**

*** We only know that Naruto lived by himself at the beginning of the first series, when he was 12. Here he is 7, and I find it hard to believe that somehow someone that age would be forced to live by themself. I don't know, it's not canon, so for the time being, in this story Naruto not living by himself until he's older will be my headcanon.**

***Honestly, I felt bad when I wrote the second part of this chapter. Maybe this is what happens to characters when they become OOC- imagine THAT. *shudder***

*** Anyway, did you enjoy the first chapter? I wrote this to cure my current writer's block, and I may or may not continue this, because I haven't planned anything out yet. So please review and give feedback!**


End file.
